Maegan- Revealing Attachments.

Yesterday I didn't blog (obviously), and as you at have guessed by my lack of blogging, I also didn't listen to my podcast. I was feeling a little disappointed in myself, and a little like the blog was going to get away from me and I was going to let everyone down- and that in and of itself revealed a lot to me about my hidden motives for prayer and blogging. Don't you hate that? When your true attachments to world things are revealed to you? (oh God please don't let me be the only one with attachments! ;) 

So if my motive for prayer is because I am blogging about my prayer, I have some work to do. I should pray because I love. Will God accept my prayer time if it comes from a skewed desire or want to attain another thing? Of course He will. Talk about a humble King! whew. It's hard to wrap my mind about that. But I should pray just because I love Him and want to spend time with Him. 

As a newlywed myself, (we celebrated our first anniversary at the end of June), I have learned a lot about love this first year. Mainly: that it is wonderful, that it is hard, and that I'm not always as good at it as I think I am. When I think about love, I think about my relationship with my husband. What would it feel like if I wanted to spend an extra five minutes of my day being with my husband so that I could feel better about myself, or He would give me some money, or for some other good benefit to me. (All just hypothetical situations of course!). But it doesn't make me feel very good even hypothetically. Why? Because I love my husband, and I want to be with Him just for the sake of being with Him and not for any other secondary purpose. 

So why do I struggle to spend time with God without another secondary motivation (even one like getting holier)? The answer: because I don't love Him enough. 

Lord, help me to love you more. 

Let us pray. 

Maegan - Trying something new.

I decided I am not going to count the days anymore, mostly because I'm confusing myself. (Did the challenge start on the 3rd or the 4th technically if I went to Mass on the 4th? What day is today really? Blah. Forget it.) haha!

So today was a little different because I had a doctor's appointment this morning and had planned to listen to the podcast on my way to work (from the doctor's office), but then I just didn't feel like it. So I didn't.

And so I have been sitting at work for the last several hours thinking to myself, "don't forget to pray," "it's not the right time now, but don't forget you have to pray," "you still have to blog, don't miss it..." etc. I finally decided the "right time" was not going to present itself, and I just needed to make it happen. (Just can't shake that perfectionism sometimes, am I right?)

I wanted to share with you this lovely prayer space I built into my office at work. When I moved into this office a year ago, I was bound and determined to spend time daily praying in my office, in this little prayer corner. I am very sad to say it has happened only a handful of times, but I am very glad I made use of it today. It helped me to remember why I took the time to create that space.

That's just a little ottoman (I think) in the corner of my office by my bookshelf, with a statue of St. Therese of Liseaux, a prayer candle (made by lighting it when I'm praying...lol), an image of Jesus that I connect to (I have a devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus), and I added the wall decal as a reminder to myself that I need to be still and take time to stop and pray (I listen to my reminders really well, can you tell?). My point is: it looks fancy, but don't be fooled! You, too, can make a comfy space that you can pray! (The basket on the floor has prayer intentions from a Life Teen night, in case you were curious...I know I would be).

Here is my view from when I was sitting so comfortably in that corner (I was sitting on the ottoman, with my feet up on a chair... I realize now that's backwards. Haha. But it was comfortable anyway). So, also a peaceful perspective to reflect on while I sit there. 

Okay, can I just be real for a second? Yes, there I was, sitting comfortably in my awesome prayer corner, gazing at the beautiful images of the Sacred & Immaculate Hearts... and was I caught up in a mystical transfiguration while listening to the Gospel reading about the Transfiguration?? - NO! You want to know what I was thinking about? (See below)

What you can't really see in the first picture is that there is an EDGE box under the table in my office (it has "treasure box" goodies in it, for the record). This, my friends. So much this. For my whole prayer time: 

"I wonder when the EDGE boxes will arrive... I saw on the Life Teen facebook yesterday that they were shipped, so maybe tomorrow or Friday... I wonder if I'll be able to get the nights copied for the CORE meeting on Monday?.... Oh, crap. Prayer. I'm supposed to write a blog about this prayer time... I guess I gotta start praying.... "

I spent my entire prayer time trying not to think about work, and trying to listen to the Gospel reading and reflection. And you know what? I didn't really reflect, I just wrote down the things that I think God wanted me to reflect on. So, was this prayer the most "satisfying" prayer time? No. I didn't really walk away from it feeling like I'm an awesome Christian and a really good "pray-er". But did I pray? Absolutely. I carved a chunk out of my day to sit with God (and try not to think about work while I tried to listen to Him). It may have felt half-hearted, but you know what? It still "counts". It is still a worthwhile way to spend our time, even if the whole time is spent trying to get our hearts and minds to "Be still," God loves us SO MUCH that He wants to be in our presence, and us to be in His, even if its difficult to be focused. Here's some back up, from people MUCH holier than I am. Man, does this give me courage to continue on in my attempts to pray!

My notes: I can go back later when I am able.

"When you do not succeed in meditating well, do not for this reason cease to do your duty. If there are many distractions do not lose heart. Make a meditation of patience; you will profit all the same.When you have distractions, don’t distract yourself still more by stopping to consider the why and the wherefore."  -St. Padre Pio of Pietrelcina

"The clacking old mill (thought) must keep on going round.""A soul should pay no attention if the understanding wanders to all sorts of worldly nonsense. Let her laugh at it as at an idiot and keep her peace." -St. Terese of Avila

"It is a great illusion, but a very common one, to imagine that one has little or great virtue according to the many of few distractions one has in prayer! I have known souls raised to a high degree of contemplation who were distracted from the beginning to the end of their prayer. Most of the people who are so much troubled at this wandering of the mind are souls filled with self-love who cannot bear the confusion into which it throws them before God and man and who cannot put up with the weariness and fatigue their prayer causes them. They desire to be rewarded by sensible consolation for the mortification they practice." -The Spiritual Direction of Saint Claude de la Colombiire

"Provided the intention remains firm, my God is not in the least meticulous; He does not
look at trivial details; and, if you are trying to please Him in any way, He will assuredly
accept that as your gift." Way of Perfection p.163


And so, we press on, asking the Lord to be patient with our humble offering, grateful that we are able to make a humble offering to Him! Also, don't be too impressed by my knowledge of the Saints. I consulted the google. Looking in books? Ain't nobody go time for that.

Let us pray...

St Therese, pray for us!